"Bubye!! "... I walked on as my voice left trails in the air, that invisible thread binding us was tugging at me, but I resisted and walked on, never looked back.
As the city rushed past me in the middle of the day, as I crawled across the streets, my loyal feet did all the walking, all the crossing for me, as if they knew that I was deeply lost in my thoughts. The crowd murmered, the cars honked, just adding to the buzz created in my mind like background music.
Was it 2 years ago?, yes , 2 years back everything started. It was a sunny day, the sun was up and burning thats when I needed shade and I needed it soon, I was forced to run and reach for the nearest tree and that was my first crash with her, Asma.
All the papers she was carrying were tossed in the air and both of us went diving to save them from flying too far. By the time we finished I was red in the face, not by the sudden surge of activity but because I'm allergic to too much sun exposure. Asma looked at me and smirked, glad that I helped and a little annoyed that I could have prevented the crash in the first place. I gave her an embarrassed smile.
"need water?", she could see I was physically in discomfort. "I think I need a limca rather" I replied. She gave me a 'what are-u-a chicken head' look. I just grinned and looked for the nearest food stall on the pavement. After I sipped through my daily dose of limca, I looked behind, she was gone.
At that point of time it was just another encounter with a stranger which all of us may have on any regular day, something which doesn't last in our memory for more than a day. But now I know, both, Asma and the encounter were not by chance, they were planned, planned by my own destiny.
After that day, a month passed and I led my life as usual. My post graduation had just begun, me, young and fresh out of college. It was only the third day of classes as I headed to the department of zoology, Delhi University and was apparently a bit late, so I hurried my steps. That is when I suddenly felt someone walking alongside, it was her. Took me 2 seconds to register her presence, 4 more to recognize, and another 3 to give a 'hello' nod and a smile to go with it. "hurry up! We’re getting late!" I heard. Did she say 'We'?, I was confused, I was getting late, I did not know what was happening. She read my expressions, so she pulled my hand softly and almost jogged with me till the department gate. There again as we entered she waved and parted as i turned to the right where my classroom was and she to the left of the building, which I had not yet been able to explore.
As I entered in the classroom, all the chatting, the murmurs, distant 'heys' , 'what’s your name s' , and students sitting on the table tops made it pretty obvious that the teacher was missing from the scene. Thank god I wasn't too late, college had taught me that the first impression was definitely the ever lasting impression, hence surely I did not want to be tagged the 'late comer' forever or at least till I belonged to this place which would be say the next 2 years.
Someone from the back of the class cleared his throat, red signal! the teacher had arrived. We all shuffled shifted adjusted till we were settled on the wooden desks which seemed as old and rickety as the foundation of the university. Finally I looked up towards the blackboard, and the look became a gaze. was I correct at concluding that the woman standing right in front of us was the woman I had crashed into a month ago and the woman who had 15 mins back jogged with me to the gate. Asma was the "Teacher"!
Class started, she taught us evolution and she taught like no one knew the subject better than her, with grace and with all the command one can hold over a 100 students sitting under the same roof. I noticed she was, beautiful, but much more deeply so. I was enchanted, I loved the day, I loved studying, and it was as if I could sit here all day listening to lectures without tiring or getting bored even once. While taking my notes it seemed as if I was in the right place, doing the right thing, yes I could do this, I could fulfill my dreams. After a long long time I felt good about what I was doing. Why I felt like that suddenly I did not know, but she did have something to do with it I knew.
Weeks went by, time slipped and life for me became monotonous again, except for those days when we had evolution lectures. I could never miss them for the world. Asma noticed, she noticed my regularity, noticed my excitement and a few more things which even I was not aware of.
"Paridhi!" she called out to me after one of our classes. I turned back and saw her standing with her bag and books as if ready to leave already. I walked up to her and stood in a respectful manner. Asma gave me an unexplained giggle and said "coffee? Oh or maybe limca?” Well to be frank I liked the idea of a coffee, but then did she forget the teacher- student gap theory? It was weird but she seemed to want an affirmative answer and if I said 'No' I would be forgetting the student-teacher respect thoery.
So off we went to the nearest coffee shop. Her body language seemed to be of a person who was out with her best friends and mine was like I was waiting to be punished. I still did not understand what was going on. After we found ourselves a nice table and ordered our cups of cappuccino, we sat across each other and silently sipped the coffee for 2 minutes.
"Paridhi, speak now". "Uh-um- sorry mam but speak what?”
"Not mam, call me Asma, and speak about your dream. I know there is one."
Ok, now where was my teacher heading? She wanted to know my dream. My dream was mine and it was long forgotten, I don't think anyone had the right to dig at my past and make me chat about my dreams over coffee.
"I don't have any dreams mam uh-sorry Asma." I was almost red in the face, the colour of anger and embarrasment.
"Hmmm, I can see you are very keen when I teach" her eyes faintly mocking.
"Yeah, you teach well and....yeah I enjoy!"
"Ah! Good to know, not many enjoy my subject" she was way to deep to understand, it was as if I was being played with.
“You know what paridhi, we should enjoy our coffee, I have loved this shop since the day I've been teaching in the department. That would be 15 years or so, long time huh!" she giggled again and we finished our caffeine.
That night I dreamt of college. College was fun? Yes. College was about friends? Yes. College shaped futures? My dream broke.
All week I kept thinking, reflecting and all the more sulking. Spent hours chatting on the phone with friends, even my closest friends could not fill up the emptiness I felt by the sudden recall of a very small incident that seemed small to some but for me had enough impact. So I finally went to the left side of our department building one day which i discovered held the staff room. Asma was sitting and correcting our test papers, coincidently she was on my answer sheet. She realized someone was waiting on her, so she looked up and saw it was me. "Ah! Pari" she grinned, "want to talk?”
We were back to the same table in the same coffee shop with the same cappuccino, this time I was ready to speak.
"U know Asma, I did have a dream. I did, now, its dead. Hmmm... 2 years back while I was in the middle of college I was an ambitious girl, full of ideas, full of eagerness, wanting to learn and absorb and wanting to reach a height even I wasn't aware of. I was an average student but sincere enough. Teachers knew me, but never loved me like they did a few other classmates of mine, but I couldn't care less. I was not in college to gather love from teachers. My friends were enough for all the love and fun. Life was a joyride. That is when the opportunity of my life came knocking in the name of 'Michigan State University scholarship', to be awarded to the most promising student of the zoology department. We were told to build a project, undertake a small research under our teachers for a year and depending on an external's assessment one student would receive this prestigious scholarship that would change her life forever. I knew I could do this, the drive, the excitement and the determination was there, just one thing lacking, I knew my marks did not put me on the top list, yet I had to grab this opportunity. So what if I was not a front bencher, so what if I was not a bookworm, so what!. I would work hard, give in my best to this project and for once prove my teachers wrong who never really thought I had it in me. so I started my work for this project immediately, took my subject of research, gave my brief to the teacher in charge, and planned my schedule carefully.
Day in day out I read about my topic, mine was under paleoanthropology,about human fossils. All the field work, the experiments, the entire process, it all thrilled me. All my other colleagues were working hard too, everyone wanted the reward, and everyone was up and charging, giving each other all the more reason to work harder. The task was tough but I believed hard work pays, Mom dad were so glad I was going for this, constantly encouraging me they believed in the dream too.
A year passed by and we were all ready with our respective projects. The most awaited day was here. Finally the external would assess our work and decide who deserves to study in MSU. We could feel the tension amongst us, anxiety prevailed. We had all arrived early morning even before the teachers, making sure nothing was left to chance. As our teacher in charge came she asked us all to submit our write ups and disperse for 2 hours. They wanted to read all the reports and shortlist the best 2 and then they would be interviewed and the finalist chosen. Oh no! I thought, I would have liked to give a little explanation on my report, what if the external did not understand ,what if they got confused!, But I was assured that the external was a very experienced and learned person who would assess unbiased and with precision. So we submitted our reports and left the rest to our fate.
2 hours passes like 20 years, My heart said 'c'mon you did a good job, life does good to those who do good work'.. But my mind warned 'don't be too expectant Pari, you think you'd be regarded in front of the toppers? Please!'.
Still I gathered all the belief and walked back to where we had assembled first, our lecture hall. The teacher in charge was there, with the short listed names. She stood there smiling and congratulating all present for all the brilliant work done by each. Lecture and more lecture. someone told me the external left soon after the assessment was done, nobody knew why, which meant the interview would be the next day. I was getting more and more anxious about the result, couldn't they just give up the suspense and announce! Finally they did. Rupika and Sameer. I was not selected."
"Pari!” I looked up, Asma had eyes of an angel.
"Yeah! U bored?"
"No! You're crying."
I was?, I felt the tear drops warm on my cheeks now. Uh-oh I let her see my vulnerability. She was a teacher too; she couldn't see this side of me. No! This was not right. I wiped them off as if I was fighting something.
"Ok now stop crying and keep talking. I'll get you another coffee". What was she? And why was she like this? Nonetheless I continued...
"It had supposedly ended there, the point where I did not get selected. But it had not. About 4 days after that I went to college. Visibly low in confidence, let down by myself. I had cried all night thinking I actually had no talent; I had fooled myself and my family by thinking that I'd conquer the world. I actually never had it in me, reality check! Oh! What a waste. So I had decided to come to college and attend classes like any average student would and pass my papers without flying too high in my dreams. After the classes I had to get an assignment checked by one of my teachers that’s when I went up to the staff room where all teachers sat having tea. I was at the door when I heard one of them say '"But that’s not fair you know, what was the external here for anyway?”, ” yes mam ! she literally started fighting with me over the issue, I told her that Rupika was definitely a girl with much more caliber, even if she got 3 marks less than Paridhi, she deserved it. She comes to all my classes, such a sincere girl U know”, Another said "Oh yes , Rupika is a bright girl. And it would be a waste to reward Paridhi with the scholarship, i don't think she can go that high, doesn't have it in her. But then the external should not have been so emotional about the thing and should not have walked away, We did have justification to our recommendation, even though she did accept it finally, she could have been a lot more graceful.",” Anyway Mam,forget it! We did have our way didn't we, the deserving ones are going to MSU "…
"That’s it." I said visibly exhausted. I had never spoken about this to anyone before. Somehow I felt a lot lighter and relieved, Asma had done it again!
"So you think they killed your dream?"
"I didn't say that, No one killed my dream, I was the one who was at fault, I never had it in me, and I’m so worthless that even if I take out my soul no one would appreciate it. I know. I'm still studying this subject just to make my parents happy. They still say they believe in me, poor folks, not their fault, I am the one to be blamed."
"Ever got to know the external? You should have gone to her, maybe..."
"Oh please Asma, It’s over and past, I've tried very hard to let go. tried to let go of the very feeling that one gets when you're projected so meager that even you yourself are never able to rise after that. I've tried and I'm tired now."
"Relax! This shall pass, trust me. You deserve a lot more than just a scholarship."
"Ha! Yea, sure. so is that all or..."
"That's all, see you tomorrow in class..." Her unexplained giggle as she got up "...Oh by the way you got the highest marks in my test today." and she left.
After that conversation of ours we never really had another one so lengthy ever again, just a 'hi' there and a 'hello' here. yet we were connected like never before, that invisible thread was there and I felt it all through the next 2 years. I had made a confidante who knew nothing more about me than my dream and its destruction and was content at that. She made no judgments about me, no advice, nothing; she just made me talk and left.
Post graduation came towards its end; I would soon finish another phase of my life. Then what? I had no clue. I had left planning my future long back, it never paid. Of course I couldn't study further, was it not enough that I dragged myself this much just to please my parents, I couldn't fool myself any longer.
I was about to enter my classroom to attend the last lecture of my course when Asma came rushing to me, with the world's largest grin I had seen. Was she happy that I would leave soon? yeah! maybe, any teacher would I thought. She just hugged me and made me enter the classroom. We walked in, I sat on my seat and she started her final lecture on paleoanthroplogy. I was pretty bewildered, I mean what was the hug for, why is she so unpredictable, but then thats why I loved her so much. I would miss her.
While I was busy with my thoughts I suddenly caught words ....'paridhi sen' , 'proposed' , 'molecular clock'. I quickly turned attentive, what was she telling? Soon I felt the entire class staring at me. What's going on?
"Paridhi sen, I was telling your classmates about the hypothesis you proposed regarding the molecular clock of human species living in Andaman in Pliocene age."
She continued teaching as I sat their dumbstruck for the next 1 hour. I had told her about my report topic I guessed; maybe she found it fascinating so must have mentioned it.
After the class dispersed I went upto her and stood silently. She was talking and bidding goodbye to a few students. As she saw me she gave me a nod and came closer and grinned again. “So Paridhi, You have been good", "Oh Thanks Asma uh- Mam".
"Haha, the final respect eh?!” I just smiled shyly.
"Your final exams next week, do well."
"Yes I will try"
"And I will never forget you Pari...” she was close to brimming; she hugged me tight just to prevent any tear shedding. I hugged her back, tight, for the last time.
"Bubye!! "... And I walked on as my voice left trails in the air, that invisible thread binding us was tugging at me, but I resisted and walked on, never looked back.
And here I am finally walking back home with a whirlpool of a mind while my feet do all the walking for me.
As I reached home, there was an envelope at the doorstep:
To,
Ms. Paridhi Sen
440/l
Mayur Vihar ,Phase-2
New Delhi-110091
India
Sub: Harvard University welcomes you.
Dear Paridhi,
We are immensely proud to confirm your admission into the department of Organismic and Evolutionary biology under the University of Harvard, the world's finest institute for higher education.
After studying your impressive project report on 'molecular clock study of the Andaman human in the Pliocene age' the head of the department is very eager and willing to provide you with an opportunity to carry on your research under his guidance in his laboratory with full scholarship. We are attaching along this letter a guide to complete the formalities of your admission.
Looking forward to your correspondence.
Thanking you
Dean of admission and financial aid.
Pinned to the envelope was a small note which said "Dreams never die".
Now I know who the external was.
I stood outside the red brick wall that was high
In this little speck of time the red brick walls gifted me lessons to keep
